A Super Model from Hell!

It was on that line for fifteen minutes that seemed fifteen weeks! It was finally my turn and I was standing face to face to a dissatisfied looking Hollandian. It is very important emphasizing this man was thinner than participants in Heidi Klum’s Germany’s Next Top Models! I heard being thin is not just a culture in Europe but also a religion that everyone must be fanatical about. Ignoring his feeding-challenged appearance I showed him the bio-page of my passport without looking at him and continued moving as others ahead of me. But I heard him calling me back. I thought he wanted to ask me for some sandwiches because anyone looking at me must realise I do not play with my eating capabilities!

‘Here we go again’, I muttered to myself. Turning towards him, I found a stretched thin left hand demanding I gave it my passport. Now was the time to stare into his face and that was when realised he was wearing not just some red lipsticks, but some eye-shadows over shaved eyebrows! Well, what’s my own? Anyone willing could do two jobs: immigration officer by day and Heidi Klum-wannabe at night! As I handed him my passport I spoke to him in Igbo asking: “I bet you catwalking for me if I give you my passport?” He refused replying as he took his time going through my passport page by page. I continued studying his cosmetic invaded face while he controlled my passport with a ‘K’. Suddenly I saw him hesitate at the bio page before returning to the 3-month visa into Germany issued me by the German Consulate in Montreal.

Bang! The half-immigration officer, half super model raced into his pocket and was quick to return with a black conical instrument that looks exactly like a BMW wheel bolt. What the hell does this freak want to do? Lock my international passport with an Automatic Braking System before running me over with a Man-Diesel truck that has no shock absorber? I got really scared that officer Paris Hilton was about to set me up by destroying my visa before alerting the deportation squad to take me back to Murtala! I tried to raise an alarm but a woman next to me who had been watching all my reactions explained what was happening. His weird toy was neither a BMW wheel bolt nor an ABS lock but a special lens that could dictate forged visas on international passports. I guess she probably thought that would make feel better but I was more infruited. Why didn’t he use that instrument on other passports before mine?

Right now officer Paris Hilton was raising the instrument towards his face. Before I knew it he stared closing his left eye while advancing the funny lens towards his right eye! I could swear with my life, from the way Heidi’s home boy was handling my case, he might as well be on his way to some sick home! But for all I cared, it would have been a better idea if that was a plug-bolt and he used it in plucking his own right eye by himself! If he had done that what would have been my reaction? Instead of yelling for help, I will find a way motivating him further to do the same to the remaining eye. That would not only dissuade further overzealousness and hate motivated scrutiny against Nigerians who carry green passports. And yes, that would also help putting to an end nauseating dreams of career immigration officers trying to be female super models!

“What exactly are you looking for, sir?”

I only asked this question because I was getting rather frustrated, not because of wasting my time (after all my connecting flight to Frankfurt was in three hours) but was it taking him forever to pluck his own eyes? In fact I asked the question hoping he will be pissed off and speedup the eye-plucking deed! We are waiting, Paris!

“Can I do my job, sir?”

Wow! Paris Hilton was not deaf and dumb after all! OK! Since your super-model ass has got some sarcasm, why not bring it on!

“During my flight I had a dream of white women in blue uniforms using military binoculars in reading every Nigerian passports! That could be a heck of a job, sir!”

“Where are you going, sir?”

“Erfurt, very close to Buchenwald near Weimar, where under Hitler’s command human camped, killed and burnt fellow humans after cutting them into heaps of pieces!”

“Have a nice trip, sir”

I snatched my passport from him hoping and praying endlessly that sooner or later this man will use his own hands in plugging in some screwdrivers and plucking out his both eyes! Amen somebody?